I think way too much for my own health. I have been more open with him now than ever. It seems the more I am open with him about my feelings, the more we bicker and fight. We have been arguing more that usual. At times I feel as though we are shaky. And I tell him this and he justs asks me, "is it really that bad" and I just say, "..sometimes." I just want to feel like my life with be secure all around. And maybe that is why I haven't really took the next step to get married. I love him, granite there are so many things I can't stand about him. I love him so much. And deep down inside I don't feel like I have anyone else in my life that understands me like he does. Which is where my dilemma lies. It's not so much like a dilemma really, it's not a problem. Or is it. Things take time, and we are way behind with expenses up are asses. Money always complicates thiings. I wish that it didn't. I wish that we could just find a way to negatiate and come to a compromise. Interesting really, I was reading my horoscope, that usually how Libra's are. Coincidence? Yeah..that is too much to think about I don't want to start believing it and making my whole life revolve around it. I'm on the cusp I should read up on scorpio's...

    I haven't heard from Steph yet. Quite frankly I don't want to hear from her. I wish good health to her, but don't want nothing to do with her. I am so dissappointed in her. Fucking for drugs, that is just low. Degrading. I used to hang out with her. I knew she had issues but gees, you really don' know how people will turn out. I thought about calling her parents and telling them my concerns. But I don't know, it's the holidays. ..

     And I was doing so well with the investigating. It's like I already know who the culprits are and I check to confirm that he still talks to them. He doens't have to stop talking to them. I just want him to change the way he has his relationship with them.  I don't believe he can control himself if Jaime was here. When I stayed at Jared's for that couple of hours, he was all over his gf. I know that would not be the case here. He does not make Jaime out to be the "younger" sister. He hides her, just like he hides everyone else female or male. But more than everyone else he hides her. At least I feel that way. You know what is mind-boggling, is that he can't answer simple questions sometimes, he doens't realize it makes him look like the asshole when he flips out he can't answer a simple question, like always he tries to relay it on me, but I know if he were to do this in front of many people generally speaking, they would think he was an asshole being mean to his gf. I really don't think I sound like I'm interrogating him when I ask him who he's on the phone with or who he is texting, I mean it obviously happens often enough I feel like I have to ask him. He hardly sits down with me and watches tv, now that we have the laptop, he is on there or sitting on the chair, he will sit with me at the most of an hour each day. I guess that is better than nothing. But still, I want more. Is that what I need? more attention? Is that why I don't like some of his friends. Well first of all he has too many people he talks to that he claims is an aquaintance to not be shit. People don't recurringly call you every single day and not be your friend or someone of importance. I do miss how he use to be with me. He used to be such a gentleman. Now he's comfortable, "past that". Well even though we may be past that, I still want to feel like he's attracted to me. Could be my fault too, I don't dress up anymore I never ever want to go anywhere unless it's pertaining to dance. I just want to watch TV because that's what I feel like we can afford to do. I have no interest in going to the bar just to be in that atmosphere. We had this interesting conversation the other night that...he just doesn't want go alone. He wants me to go with him, I think there is a good example of how him and I have changed. I used to want to go out clubbing, or just out, I was easier going to go out. But I also was playing too, I mean I had no way of budgeting money, I still am not that good at it, but I'm better than before. I think it was when I got my job at HFC when things started to shift. But then he says he doens't spend much money when he does go out. I just I'm not keen on meeting new people like it's something to look forward to on a friday night, if that was the case, which I hope it isn't, he should be single. Okay that is a very bold statement, but he seems like he's held back to do a lot of things that involve him being social. Because of me. so maybe being with me isn't the best for him if all he wants to do is meet people. Do I even know what he wants? He says he wants me. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He says he is in love with me and he wants to be with me. For the most part I believe he loves me, and that he does want to spend the rest of his life with me, but then again sometimes I get the vibe he wants to be free from chains. But he is no slave, we don't listen to each other for some reason. I can say something 30 times and he won't get the gesture, until I get upset. And his reasoning for this is because he's allowed to. But wtf? I don't know. A lot of things I don't know. Do I have to know all the answers right now?  I wish I did, but I guess I have to accept that I don't. Answers will come when it is the right time.

     It did bother me that Jaime and her mother came to the apartment. I just don't like how he presented it to me, like in the last breath of his sentence and beginning a new one. Like don't go ahead and make it look fishy and he starts to get mad. The more upset he gets just makes him look more suspicious like he is hiding something. As much as I try to tell him that it just defers into a later argument or turns into something else. There are many things I do not like are far as his friendships with certain girls and some guys.  Why? Because he is shady about it. He could be shady about it because of his ex girlfriends and just re-living that with me. Or because he's hiding something for real. But I think it's because of his old habits. Hopefully he can grow out of that and learn to view his relationships in a different way. Like how I am grown to be with old friends of mine. You don't have to be at their beck and call all the time. Like I know he talks to Jaime everyday. I know he talks to a lot of certain people every single day. And he says he has to, because some people he doesn't see. But I just realized this not too long ago, he doens't need to talk to Jaime every single day. He puts himself in situations, I know he lies to me about who he is texting and calling sometimes. I know. I'm not stupid. I've learned to pick my battles and express my views on this I don't agree with. At least I'm getting better at that. Before I would pick at everything, and cry about it. Never will I cry about that again. If he is cheating on me, if I find out that he is cheating on me, that is the end of the relationship. I have put too much hard work, my heart, my life into this relationship, I have been through enough with him shit to learn that he has found attention elsewhere. I just realized I cannot freely accuse him of cheating. Because he can't handle the questions, he gets upset. That's ashame, for someone who argues so well to get so upset when asked certain questions. His impatience makes him look like an imbosel at times. But only I can see that, give or take a few times Kita and Tahni, Rich have seen him. But all the girls and boys he talks too, Jaime, Caitlyn, his cousin Courtney, Joanne, they have no idea how he is with me. Only what they know of him. Lately it has been kind of boring, I've encountered some enlightenment with some things. But  I have a lot of work to do. I have to get started with everything. I believe I am on my hustle. I'm doing what I can afford to do, what I love to do. There is nothing wrong with me being a hermit and wanting to stay home. So what if I don't like to go out. I'll go out when I feel like going out, and most times it's to dance. Or go to something relating to dance. But He doesn't like the gathering, he doens't likethe bubble house, he doesn't ike to go to events. He likes to go to bars and like to flirt with girls, he likes to be the center of attention all the time with or without me. The only difference is I don't want to be with him and compete. So yes, I admit it's like a competition when I go out with him. Maybe that is why I don't like going places like clubbing or anywhere. For some reason I cannot be myself when I'm with him in clubs or events. He makes me feel inferior. I want him to give me respect. He could work on that. I have told him numerous times that he need to give me respect. I haven't seen much results. He told me after Jaime and her mother came over, he didn't check with me before. His excuse was that he was on the phone with them, he could have called me at work to tell me, yes he could have went out of his way becuase he should know that I would have expected him to tell me before, but no he was thinking with his other head and they came over. Oh that pisses me off. SUCH A HYPOCRITE. A walking oxy moron. He can't even take criticism. But he criticizes me all the time. I don't know if I'm ready to marry him until he can show me he will be pull himself together to show me that I will have a secure life. I can't live like this forever, and he tells me he can as long as he is with me. Maybe I should express this to him. Maybe..but I believe I already have. I hate talking to his mom about getting married, they want us married so bad. I just can't right now until everything is right.